Please can someone grade my analysis of an issue

[SEFI]

Essay 1: 9-30-958am - 28 mins
In some countries, TV and radio programs are carefully censored for offensive languages and behavior. In others they are not. What’s your stance, should the government be allowed to censor TV and radio programs and why or why not?

The use of verbal or offensive language has always been an issue, as it tends to be against the values of many individuals. The use of offensive language in some countries television and radio are carefully censored by the government, while in others there not. In my view, the government as well as advocates for consumers should be allowed to censor television or radio programs.

Television and radio stations are mode of communication in many countries. Thus, all ages are exposed to the information provided in this form. The most fragile group that needs to be protected from the use of offensive language includes children under the age of 6. At this age, children are still forming their own identity and they are shaped by their environment, such as the media.

Also, many advocates for consumers believe that an increased exposure to offensive language could result in the mimicking of such traits. Especially by children, who are under the age of 6; thus, these advocates fight for the use of such languages to be censored. This will go a long way to improve morality among children, in the long run. For instance, some studies have shown that kids learn by example; therefore, when they are exposed to indecent behavior from what is portrayed on Television, they emulate it.

As government and advocates for consumers ensure that offensive languages are censored, they encourage active participation of all individuals, regardless of their age. For instance, some kids are not allowed to stay up late even if they want to play with their parents. Part of the reason for this is that parents are worried that their kids would be exposed to offensive language they see on television, which they would eventually mimic.

Nevertheless, one can argue that countries where there is little or no censorship still have a high rate of morality, as kids are decent. While this might be the case, it is vital to remember that we have to educate these young kids from their early days by showing them right from wrong, which is best done through examples: seeing and learning.

In conclusion, I believe that is not only necessary, but also it is crucial that the government alongside with advocates for consumers ensure that offensive languages are censored. This will go along way to improve communication between the media and the masses, as well as improve the morality of the youths, who learn by example.

[StaceyKoprince]

Please don't forget to post the source of the question.

This is probably about a 3.5. There are grammar, syntax and language usage errors, which hurt your score. In addition, there are several important things missing from the essay:
1) real-world examples - you do this a little bit, but it is important to have much more in the way of "studies have shown" or something from your own personal experience.
2) acknowledging the other side of the issue - you do want to spend most of your time advocating the position you take, but you also have to acknowledge that the other point of view is reasonable, too. You mention that some countries manage to have "decent" kids even without censorship, but that is not a great acknowledgement - something more along the lines of "though free speech is very important" or "though many believe it is up to the parents to set boundaries for their children / manage what their children are exposed to" - that sort of thing.

You do have a clear thesis and consistently stick with it throughout the essay - keep that up. You probably would have had a 4 without the grammar, etc, errors. That's a little harder to work on, but if you can do the two things I discuss above, you can probably beat the average (which is a 4, and which is all you really want to do on the essay).