Please Review My Analyze the Issue Essay

[Frank144]

After reading the other Analyze the Issue essays on this forum and in the OG, I have concentrated on providing two real-world examples and in acknowledging the other side in the intro and conclusion.

Thank you as always for your invaluable input!

From the OG 11, page 743:

"Financial gain should be the most important factor in choosing a career."


While there may be cases where financial gain should be the most important factor in choosing a career, based on anecdotes of successful business people and the personal experiences of other people, I believe that other factors such as passion for a career are more important.

I have read the advice books of business people such as Donald Trump and Warren Buffet, in addition to reading articles about successful CEOs and investment managers. Their wealth makes it seem that they chose fields solely for the potential financial gain. However, the overwhelming majority of them claimed that they went into their careers because the actual work was something they loved, and that the money then followed. Because they chose something they loved to do, the time they spent at their careers did not feel like "work." Their time spent negotiating or building their business was something they actually enjoyed, and so therefore they could do more of it without feeling "forced" or being less productive. This was crucial because sometimes the only advantage they had over competitors was the amount of time they put into their job. If they chose something for the money before passion, and actually felt like the were constantly "working", they were not sure how much effort they would have put into their careers and how successful they would have been. These examples of even the wealthiest people show how financial gain is not the most important factor in choosing a career.

From the experiences of other people, I see how choosing financial gain as the most important factor can lead to a short and unsatisfying career. For example, my brother is a graphic designer, and loves the work he does, even though it is a career that does not necessarily pay very well. Recently, he decided to leave graphic design and make a career change into a different field in order to increase his salary by a significant amount. The new management job consisted mostly of monitoring software engineers and doing administrative work, a far cry from the creative field of graphic design. Though his new management job had shorter hours and had less requirements than his old graphic design role, my brother resigned after two weeks because he just did not feel fulfilled with the work. He eventually found another job as a graphic designer for lower pay, but immediately felt that it was something he wanted to do every day. Even better, the graphic design firm he joined later won new contracts and doubled in size. This good fortune led to increased responsibilities and a raise for my brother. I believe this example shows how factoring passion into a career choice can lead to money, and how choosing a career for money reasons does not necessarily lead to passion for that career.

There are benefits in using potential financial gain as the primary factor in choosing a career, such as financial stability and promise of wealth, but I believe that doing so leads to only short-term results. From what I have read about successful and wealthy people, and from my personal experiences with people who are not necessarily wealthy but feel successful in what they do, having a passion for your career choice is one factor more important than possible riches.

[StaceyKoprince]

Excellent job - I'd say a 5 or 5.5. Exactly where you want to be.

Nice opening in terms of stating your thesis very clearly and acknowledging the other side. Just beef it up a little - find a way to say what you said in 3 sentences instead of just one.

Your examples are specific, well-explained, and convincingly tied to your thesis.

Your conclusion again does exactly what you want it to do - acknowledge the other side, but state again that your examples support whatever your thesis is.

Overall, the structure is very good. You have a few grammatical and punctuation errors, but not enough to cause a major reduction in score. Your opening paragraph could benefit from a bit more bulk. As I said above, exactly where you want to be for the test - above the average, but don't use too much brain power (ie, don't go for a 6). Do this on the test!

[Frank144]

Thanks Stacey, I really appreciate the critique!